Sad Plant Club

Office of the Plant Coroner

Something is wrong with your plant.

Tell us what it was and how it went. You get an official cause of death, a mock-Latin name for it, and one true thing to do differently next time.

Pip, a small potted sprout, looking concerned.

Not on the list? Type it anyway, or pick “Something else”.

It’s still alive It’s too late

How did it look at the end?

Pick the one that made you give up on it.

How did you water it?

Honestly. The certificate is not admissible anywhere.

Where did it live?

Where it actually spent its days, not where you meant to put it.

How long did you have it?

Goes on the certificate in big serif letters. Forty characters, and we keep it printable.

Drops the joke entirely. You get a plain, quiet certificate instead — no verdict in capitals, no coroner’s note.

Free. Instant. Nothing is published, and nothing you type here shows up anywhere public.

If there is anything left of it

Plenty of plants look finished and are not. Scrape a stem with a thumbnail — green underneath means alive, and one living stem is enough to come back from. Before you write the next one off, read why is my plant dying? or run the sixty-second triage. Both are free, and both are considerably more use than a certificate.

A novelty certificate from a club of amateurs. There is no registry, no coroner and no official anything — but the prevention line on every certificate is real horticulture, and we mean it kindly.